Sunday, April 5, 2015


I don't know what I want to write about. I just know that I feel like writing. I've been lacking since the end of February, but I know I have to get back in the swing of things. I don't anticipate writing as often as I started, but I will keep writing. Listening to Speakerboxxx/The Love Below for the first time. I just finished a pretty introspective movie, but I'll leave the details out. It did get me thinking, however, about how important introspection is. I've written about this in almost each blog post. Actually, all of these posts are introspective. Though I've written a lot, there's still so much more to write. Even with as open as I'm being about my life and its happenings, I still leave lots off of the table. My full self isn't quite out there. In my eyes, the things I've shared are surface-level components that really can be shared with anyone. I think I'm pretty good at that. I think we all are pretty good at not showing our full selves. I mean, I know I'm sharing my thoughts and situations, but do I really share the thoughts behind the thoughts? Do I share the genesis along with the interlude? We don't share these things. I don't know if we're ready for that type of exposure. I know I'm not. I mean, rarely do we show our full selves. Think about it, if we don't share us with family members we've known all of our lives, our "best" friends, or partners, what makes you think you'll share it with just anyone? Do we even acknowledge these truths internally? I've lied to myself quite a few times until the point that I believed it were the truth. If I can't even be honest with myself, I'll just end up shorting everyone around me. I just think that's one of the hardest things to do: be open. There are so many levels to vulnerability it's insane. Vulnerability is present with others through the avenue of trust, but how much do we even trust those around us? Is it really trust? Or is it hope in the form of trust? That hope drives so many actions, but even then there is sometimes a cloud of doubt in both parties. There's some self-doubt in sharing and there's some doubt in the other party that they won't judge you for being you. It's hard being yourself-in my eyes. It should be easy, but are we really ourselves? Fully? I'm rambling. This is my least structured blog posting, but my fingers needed to type something.

Masks. There are many masks that can be worn, and there can be layers. I can have one mask at work, then another on my way home, then another around my home, then another in my friendships, and another in my relationship, and another in my family. Even when I'm alone, I could still have a mask on, but I wouldn't know because I'm so used to having one on I'm not sure how to be when I'm alone. Though this has some truth, I do feel that at this point, I am the most transparent. At this juncture, I can be me. It takes a special person to see me at this level, and when they do see it, it can be overbearing. Why? Because I may not get the opportunity to be this way around others. When I'm alone, I can be this way without knowing what's too much or too little to show; there's no cap. With others, you run the risk of showing too much. But wait, isn't the thought of being at this level the idea that I can be the most transparent? That when it's at the friend level, I have the mask on that presents me with the censored version? Lines get blurry and those you may have wanted at your level just weren't ready for it. Maybe their mask didn't allow them to receive your transparency well because they aren't used to that type of access in the tier they're used to having you in. It gets pretty technical in my mind but that's how I see things.

There is no end goal to this post. I'm not advising anything. I'm not suggesting anything. I'm not even displaying a course of action for myself. I just wanted to write because I know I can't be the only one thinking about this. I can't be the only one wanting to show their full selves but when they do, that possibility of being ill-received becomes all too real. Or maybe you tried it and it wasn't received well. Hopefully, when you did try it, it was received well and kudos to you. I'm not saying I've never been received well, but the bad always seems easier to remember. I don't know. I just want to help people. I just want to help me. Michael. I want to learn about myself. I'm slowly learning about this person that I'm becoming. I'm no where near the person I was a year ago. Oh God no where near. I'm definitely not the person I was when I started college; that's for sure. I wish I knew where to go from here. I guess the intriguing part of life is not knowing. If we knew, things could go really south. We could try to avert situations, inadvertently causing the effects anyways, or causing an even worse ending for ourselves. So in that regard, I guess I like that I don't know what's going to happen next. I do wish that transparency was more prevalent. I think it would prove better for relationships all together. Granted, negativity can be produced, but negativity can come from even the most positive intentions. I also know that too much transparency can't always be received well, which is another harsh truth I don't think people can handle. I'm not sure if I can even handle it as much as I assume. It's funny when you can't take what you dish out. That medicine doesn't taste good at all. But this is me; Masks Exposed.

Saturday, April 4, 2015

I Live the Life I Deserve

What are you doing with your life?

Really, I'm asking you this; whoever you are.

Whatever your answer, is it contributing to something worthwhile? Everything happens for a reason and it's up to us to find out what that reason is. We won't always know the answer, or even if there is an answer, but I feel it's always worth the attempt. Lately, I've been thinking about so many different things that all have to do with adult objectives: Career goals, marriage, housing, being 30, children, and retirement. Now, I'm only 23 and I know these aren't outlandish things to be thinking about at my age; especially when there are people my age and younger dealing with at least 3 of the things I listed. Yet and still, I find myself in some type of thought about these things each day. Everything I do is fueled with intent. I try to make sure there are no accidental steps in my path. Granted, there will be some unexpected turns, but you have to put your foot down in order to continue, and I make sure that step is as thought out as if it were all expected. I approach life with this mindset of being confident. Confidence positively affects so much it's unreal. With confidence, one can attempt to do more with themselves, appreciate themselves and their efforts, and even encourage others to make their own steps meaningful. This is the life I try to live! My confidence comes from my passion, and my passion comes from within.

When I think about what I want to do with my life, of course money comes to mind. I want to make sure I never have to really struggle or want for anything. Along with this thinking, I think about not wanting my future family to want for anything either; being as strong as a provider as I can be. I feel this thinking is so necessary in the present day because what I do now ultimately affects them-whoever they are. That means I have to make the right steps. I need to plan. I need to excel in my work. I need to get a Master's Degree, ASAP. I need to treat my current job as if it were the position I ultimately desire. I need to treat the world around me well because it will definitely return the favor. I'm a firm believer that all things are connected. I truly feel that I need to watch what I do because the effects could make all the difference in not only my life, but also those around me. I do what I need to do now and it doesn't feel like a hassle. It doesn't feel like a hassle because passion is driving my actions.

Passion is the piece. There's a huge difference between passion and ambition. I feel that there are a lot of ambitious people in our generation and that their driving factors may not be the most pure. Defined by Google, Passion is a strong and barely controllable emotion, while Ambition is a strong desire to do or to achieve something. I really look at these two definitions and I just know that ambition doesn't/shouldn't describe me. The most important words to me are "barely controllable emotion". Every fiber in your body is guiding your actions, thoughts, and intentions. You may have an end goal, but that doesn't mean you are looking to skip over the road in between. Passion likes the small stuff. Passion loves the path. That's not to say that it the path easy, but it definitely takes some of the tension off in my opinion. When that passion is driving you, the drive doesn't stop. That's why I feel passion is so important. It isn't about an achievement. It's about the it. What's your it? What gets you going? What makes you smile? What makes you stressed? What makes you think? What makes you want to make it better? What makes you appreciate the inner workings? What do you see the bigger picture of? What?

We all have a place in this world. Some people find their purpose sooner than others. Some people stumble into their passion after going through a lot for another end-goal. It's so hard to say when the thing you want to do is the thing you're really supposed to be doing. If you don't have your it yet, I implore you to do one thing: Do What You Love. It sounds corny, so I'll give a short explanation. Do what makes you happy. If you love the sciences, do something science related. If you love children, get into that field. If you love selling things, or making connections, and delivering a product- go into the business field. There's something out there for everyone; we just have to find it. For myself, I've always felt I was a business minded individual. I was set on this until I fell in love with health care. I knew I had to be involved in health care, I just knew it. Science wasn't for me, but that didn't mean I should just give up on the field all together. I found another way to my passion. I found a way to incorporate both business and health care by going into Health Administration. I'm headed to grad school for an MBA, and then after I'll look into Hospital Admin Fellowships/positions. This wasn't the way I envisioned it years ago, but I knew I needed to stay in health care; that's what I LOVE. I promise you, purpose provides pleasure. Once you live with purpose, life because so much sweeter the days go by and it's the best blur you've ever thought about. You see your actions affecting others and they appreciate you. You appreciate them. You appreciate you!

Be passionate