Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Everybody Eats B

What.is.on.my.mind?

I've been going to my meetings-though not as consistently as I had been in the earlier part of the year. One thing I can say, however, is that I truly learn something about myself every time I am there. I learn about my past, present, and future all in one hour. It sounds extreme, I know, but it's completely possible. When I'm there, I'm able to think about what I do, how I live, and who I affect. It also enables me to understand why I react to certain things the way I do, which provides clarity with every meeting.

In learning about myself in these past 4 and a half months, I'm loving what my life is becoming. I'm seeing myself for the person I truly am. Granted, I won't change every bad thing, but I'm able to accept me because I know I won't be perfect. I'm able to appreciate things about myself that, before, I may have seen as flaws or weaknesses. I'm also appreciating others more and more with their place in my life. That can be anyone. It can be someone on the street asking me for money; reminding me of the position I am in to have spare change while they search for it. It can be the parent who tells me that they are proud of me and my achievements; reminding me that some people don't have a foundation through their efforts. It could be friends; reminding me that not everyone can enjoy those around them. It could be a girlfriend; reminding me that I'm not all that bad after all. That she knows what I've done and been through and chooses to accept me for who I've been, all the while encouraging me to be a better person through growth and learning. I'm very thankful.

We must be thankful. Things could always be worse. Things could always be better. The thing to remember is that things are how they are. That's not to say that things can't change in either direction,  but you could miss the lesson in the present. Live with what's going on, the rest will fall into place; guaranteed. That's not to say that it will fall how you envision, but things will work out how they're intended to. We have to trust life. Trust is important. Trust is living. We have no idea what's going to happen in five minutes, let alone in five years. Why stress? We are human, so worrying will happen. Worry shouldn't consume us. If anything, worrying should encourage you to make the most of your current situation because it could directly affect the future.

To switch a focus, I think we all need people. Yes, need. People were created not to stand alone, but to gather with one another. We have families we belong to. We live in societies with many different people. One's actions can directly affect another's. Nothing is truly done alone. It's vital to have people in your life. That doesn't mean we need 20 friends in order to feel safe, though that's completely fine if that's the type of person you are. I'm just trying to drive home that we need somebody. I have my people. I have family, some friends, and a girlfriend. Each party receives a different part of me. It's up to me to decide who receives what and some may receive more than others; but this is important to me. I appreciate those who are in my life because they have shaped me to be the person I am today, in one way or another. I would never have been the man I am without these people; which is why I keep them in my life. Everyone isn't meant to stick around forever, but for the ones that are here, you have to appreciate what they do for your life. Everyone won't hold the same weight and that's okay; it isn't a competition. You've got to be able to Trust, Talk, and Feel.

In a perfect world, we would be able to trust everyone, be able to share everything with everyone, and know each feeling inside and out in order to control ourselves and our reactions. I don't seek that perfection to have all three areas in control; I just strive to be sound in them. Trust for me is such a task. My skeptic ways delve well within my grasp internally, but I know it's there. Trusting isn't easy for me. I keep so few people so I can keep track of what trust is out there. I don't think we're meant to trust many people anyways, but I make sure to keep my numbers low. I should be more trusting of others without running the risk of being na├»ve; I just haven't found that balance. This could save me from many negative situations, but it could also/has hurt me in other situations as well. Talking is another thing I've never been the best at. Well, that is, talking about what really matters. I can talk about almost anything for however long it takes to get a point across. It's talking about what's inside of me that's the issue. The vulnerability that comes with it just hasn't been an easy task for me; as it isn't with many people. I've been doing my best to work on this and I've been satisfied with the results. However, the results don't encourage me to take the proverbial plunge just yet. I still dab here and there, but there's something within me keeping me from going too far. I think I even shield myself from seeing my true feelings, so that prevents conversations from coming at the source. Feeling-the biggest one. I like to think I'm in touch with my feelings. Though I'm aware, that doesn't mean I'm in touch with them. You can see/acknowledge anything, but to understand and approach a problem takes a whole new method that I just don't fully possess. I often resort to old habits of shielding myself for my "betterment" when I actually hinder both my growth and the other person who is trying to help me grow. Hopefully, I can get better with this. It's so easy to do what I'm used to, it's easy to lose sight of what needs to be done. This could make me an emotionally healthier individual, positively impacting those around me. I think I often fear the negative, which is entirely possible, but could be easily as possible as the positive. I'm just a half-empty kind of guy.

All in all, life is good. Everything's Good. Everybody's Eating. Thanks for reading.