ME

I don't know what I want to write about. I just know that I feel like writing. I've been lacking since the end of February, but I know I have to get back in the swing of things. I don't anticipate writing as often as I started, but I will keep writing. Listening to Speakerboxxx/The Love Below for the first time. I just finished a pretty introspective movie, but I'll leave the details out. It did get me thinking, however, about how important introspection is. I've written about this in almost each blog post. Actually, all of these posts are introspective. Though I've written a lot, there's still so much more to write. Even with as open as I'm being about my life and its happenings, I still leave lots off of the table. My full self isn't quite out there. In my eyes, the things I've shared are surface-level components that really can be shared with anyone. I think I'm pretty good at that. I think we all are pretty good at not showing our full selves. I mean, I know I'm sharing my thoughts and situations, but do I really share the thoughts behind the thoughts? Do I share the genesis along with the interlude? We don't share these things. I don't know if we're ready for that type of exposure. I know I'm not. I mean, rarely do we show our full selves. Think about it, if we don't share us with family members we've known all of our lives, our "best" friends, or partners, what makes you think you'll share it with just anyone? Do we even acknowledge these truths internally? I've lied to myself quite a few times until the point that I believed it were the truth. If I can't even be honest with myself, I'll just end up shorting everyone around me. I just think that's one of the hardest things to do: be open. There are so many levels to vulnerability it's insane. Vulnerability is present with others through the avenue of trust, but how much do we even trust those around us? Is it really trust? Or is it hope in the form of trust? That hope drives so many actions, but even then there is sometimes a cloud of doubt in both parties. There's some self-doubt in sharing and there's some doubt in the other party that they won't judge you for being you. It's hard being yourself-in my eyes. It should be easy, but are we really ourselves? Fully? I'm rambling. This is my least structured blog posting, but my fingers needed to type something.

Masks. There are many masks that can be worn, and there can be layers. I can have one mask at work, then another on my way home, then another around my home, then another in my friendships, and another in my relationship, and another in my family. Even when I'm alone, I could still have a mask on, but I wouldn't know because I'm so used to having one on I'm not sure how to be when I'm alone. Though this has some truth, I do feel that at this point, I am the most transparent. At this juncture, I can be me. It takes a special person to see me at this level, and when they do see it, it can be overbearing. Why? Because I may not get the opportunity to be this way around others. When I'm alone, I can be this way without knowing what's too much or too little to show; there's no cap. With others, you run the risk of showing too much. But wait, isn't the thought of being at this level the idea that I can be the most transparent? That when it's at the friend level, I have the mask on that presents me with the censored version? Lines get blurry and those you may have wanted at your level just weren't ready for it. Maybe their mask didn't allow them to receive your transparency well because they aren't used to that type of access in the tier they're used to having you in. It gets pretty technical in my mind but that's how I see things.

There is no end goal to this post. I'm not advising anything. I'm not suggesting anything. I'm not even displaying a course of action for myself. I just wanted to write because I know I can't be the only one thinking about this. I can't be the only one wanting to show their full selves but when they do, that possibility of being ill-received becomes all too real. Or maybe you tried it and it wasn't received well. Hopefully, when you did try it, it was received well and kudos to you. I'm not saying I've never been received well, but the bad always seems easier to remember. I don't know. I just want to help people. I just want to help me. Michael. I want to learn about myself. I'm slowly learning about this person that I'm becoming. I'm no where near the person I was a year ago. Oh God no where near. I'm definitely not the person I was when I started college; that's for sure. I wish I knew where to go from here. I guess the intriguing part of life is not knowing. If we knew, things could go really south. We could try to avert situations, inadvertently causing the effects anyways, or causing an even worse ending for ourselves. So in that regard, I guess I like that I don't know what's going to happen next. I do wish that transparency was more prevalent. I think it would prove better for relationships all together. Granted, negativity can be produced, but negativity can come from even the most positive intentions. I also know that too much transparency can't always be received well, which is another harsh truth I don't think people can handle. I'm not sure if I can even handle it as much as I assume. It's funny when you can't take what you dish out. That medicine doesn't taste good at all. But this is me; Masks Exposed.