Everybody Eats B

What.is.on.my.mind?

I've been going to my meetings-though not as consistently as I had been in the earlier part of the year. One thing I can say, however, is that I truly learn something about myself every time I am there. I learn about my past, present, and future all in one hour. It sounds extreme, I know, but it's completely possible. When I'm there, I'm able to think about what I do, how I live, and who I affect. It also enables me to understand why I react to certain things the way I do, which provides clarity with every meeting.

In learning about myself in these past 4 and a half months, I'm loving what my life is becoming. I'm seeing myself for the person I truly am. Granted, I won't change every bad thing, but I'm able to accept me because I know I won't be perfect. I'm able to appreciate things about myself that, before, I may have seen as flaws or weaknesses. I'm also appreciating others more and more with their place in my life. That can be anyone. It can be someone on the street asking me for money; reminding me of the position I am in to have spare change while they search for it. It can be the parent who tells me that they are proud of me and my achievements; reminding me that some people don't have a foundation through their efforts. It could be friends; reminding me that not everyone can enjoy those around them. It could be a girlfriend; reminding me that I'm not all that bad after all. That she knows what I've done and been through and chooses to accept me for who I've been, all the while encouraging me to be a better person through growth and learning. I'm very thankful.

We must be thankful. Things could always be worse. Things could always be better. The thing to remember is that things are how they are. That's not to say that things can't change in either direction,  but you could miss the lesson in the present. Live with what's going on, the rest will fall into place; guaranteed. That's not to say that it will fall how you envision, but things will work out how they're intended to. We have to trust life. Trust is important. Trust is living. We have no idea what's going to happen in five minutes, let alone in five years. Why stress? We are human, so worrying will happen. Worry shouldn't consume us. If anything, worrying should encourage you to make the most of your current situation because it could directly affect the future.

To switch a focus, I think we all need people. Yes, need. People were created not to stand alone, but to gather with one another. We have families we belong to. We live in societies with many different people. One's actions can directly affect another's. Nothing is truly done alone. It's vital to have people in your life. That doesn't mean we need 20 friends in order to feel safe, though that's completely fine if that's the type of person you are. I'm just trying to drive home that we need somebody. I have my people. I have family, some friends, and a girlfriend. Each party receives a different part of me. It's up to me to decide who receives what and some may receive more than others; but this is important to me. I appreciate those who are in my life because they have shaped me to be the person I am today, in one way or another. I would never have been the man I am without these people; which is why I keep them in my life. Everyone isn't meant to stick around forever, but for the ones that are here, you have to appreciate what they do for your life. Everyone won't hold the same weight and that's okay; it isn't a competition. You've got to be able to Trust, Talk, and Feel.

In a perfect world, we would be able to trust everyone, be able to share everything with everyone, and know each feeling inside and out in order to control ourselves and our reactions. I don't seek that perfection to have all three areas in control; I just strive to be sound in them. Trust for me is such a task. My skeptic ways delve well within my grasp internally, but I know it's there. Trusting isn't easy for me. I keep so few people so I can keep track of what trust is out there. I don't think we're meant to trust many people anyways, but I make sure to keep my numbers low. I should be more trusting of others without running the risk of being naïve; I just haven't found that balance. This could save me from many negative situations, but it could also/has hurt me in other situations as well. Talking is another thing I've never been the best at. Well, that is, talking about what really matters. I can talk about almost anything for however long it takes to get a point across. It's talking about what's inside of me that's the issue. The vulnerability that comes with it just hasn't been an easy task for me; as it isn't with many people. I've been doing my best to work on this and I've been satisfied with the results. However, the results don't encourage me to take the proverbial plunge just yet. I still dab here and there, but there's something within me keeping me from going too far. I think I even shield myself from seeing my true feelings, so that prevents conversations from coming at the source. Feeling-the biggest one. I like to think I'm in touch with my feelings. Though I'm aware, that doesn't mean I'm in touch with them. You can see/acknowledge anything, but to understand and approach a problem takes a whole new method that I just don't fully possess. I often resort to old habits of shielding myself for my "betterment" when I actually hinder both my growth and the other person who is trying to help me grow. Hopefully, I can get better with this. It's so easy to do what I'm used to, it's easy to lose sight of what needs to be done. This could make me an emotionally healthier individual, positively impacting those around me. I think I often fear the negative, which is entirely possible, but could be easily as possible as the positive. I'm just a half-empty kind of guy.

All in all, life is good. Everything's Good. Everybody's Eating. Thanks for reading.

I Live the Life I Deserve

What are you doing with your life?

Really, I'm asking you this; whoever you are.

Whatever your answer, is it contributing to something worthwhile? Everything happens for a reason and it's up to us to find out what that reason is. We won't always know the answer, or even if there is an answer, but I feel it's always worth the attempt. Lately, I've been thinking about so many different things that all have to do with adult objectives: Career goals, marriage, housing, being 30, children, and retirement. Now, I'm only 23 and I know these aren't outlandish things to be thinking about at my age; especially when there are people my age and younger dealing with at least 3 of the things I listed. Yet and still, I find myself in some type of thought about these things each day. Everything I do is fueled with intent. I try to make sure there are no accidental steps in my path. Granted, there will be some unexpected turns, but you have to put your foot down in order to continue, and I make sure that step is as thought out as if it were all expected. I approach life with this mindset of being confident. Confidence positively affects so much it's unreal. With confidence, one can attempt to do more with themselves, appreciate themselves and their efforts, and even encourage others to make their own steps meaningful. This is the life I try to live! My confidence comes from my passion, and my passion comes from within.

When I think about what I want to do with my life, of course money comes to mind. I want to make sure I never have to really struggle or want for anything. Along with this thinking, I think about not wanting my future family to want for anything either; being as strong as a provider as I can be. I feel this thinking is so necessary in the present day because what I do now ultimately affects them-whoever they are. That means I have to make the right steps. I need to plan. I need to excel in my work. I need to get a Master's Degree, ASAP. I need to treat my current job as if it were the position I ultimately desire. I need to treat the world around me well because it will definitely return the favor. I'm a firm believer that all things are connected. I truly feel that I need to watch what I do because the effects could make all the difference in not only my life, but also those around me. I do what I need to do now and it doesn't feel like a hassle. It doesn't feel like a hassle because passion is driving my actions.

Passion is the piece. There's a huge difference between passion and ambition. I feel that there are a lot of ambitious people in our generation and that their driving factors may not be the most pure. Defined by Google, Passion is a strong and barely controllable emotion, while Ambition is a strong desire to do or to achieve something. I really look at these two definitions and I just know that ambition doesn't/shouldn't describe me. The most important words to me are "barely controllable emotion". Every fiber in your body is guiding your actions, thoughts, and intentions. You may have an end goal, but that doesn't mean you are looking to skip over the road in between. Passion likes the small stuff. Passion loves the path. That's not to say that it the path easy, but it definitely takes some of the tension off in my opinion. When that passion is driving you, the drive doesn't stop. That's why I feel passion is so important. It isn't about an achievement. It's about the it. What's your it? What gets you going? What makes you smile? What makes you stressed? What makes you think? What makes you want to make it better? What makes you appreciate the inner workings? What do you see the bigger picture of? What?

We all have a place in this world. Some people find their purpose sooner than others. Some people stumble into their passion after going through a lot for another end-goal. It's so hard to say when the thing you want to do is the thing you're really supposed to be doing. If you don't have your it yet, I implore you to do one thing: Do What You Love. It sounds corny, so I'll give a short explanation. Do what makes you happy. If you love the sciences, do something science related. If you love children, get into that field. If you love selling things, or making connections, and delivering a product- go into the business field. There's something out there for everyone; we just have to find it. For myself, I've always felt I was a business minded individual. I was set on this until I fell in love with health care. I knew I had to be involved in health care, I just knew it. Science wasn't for me, but that didn't mean I should just give up on the field all together. I found another way to my passion. I found a way to incorporate both business and health care by going into Health Administration. I'm headed to grad school for an MBA, and then after I'll look into Hospital Admin Fellowships/positions. This wasn't the way I envisioned it years ago, but I knew I needed to stay in health care; that's what I LOVE. I promise you, purpose provides pleasure. Once you live with purpose, life because so much sweeter the days go by and it's the best blur you've ever thought about. You see your actions affecting others and they appreciate you. You appreciate them. You appreciate you!

Be passionate

Now Tell Me That Ain't Insecure

Grow up. Okay, I don't mean that in a bad way. Better yet, just grow, or Grohhh! Really though, growing should never stop. It's really easy to get settled in who you are as a person, what you do, and how you think about things. I'm not saying you have to do a complete 180 every January 1st, but don't stop looking for areas to grow in! Growth really doesn't stop, if it does, it defeats the purpose.

For my own personal reflection, I just think about the different areas that I have been growing, and I try to think of areas that are in need of more growth. When it comes to owning up to what I am responsible for, I feel that I'm growing. I've really been doing my best to look at my situations and evaluate how I could do things differently. I ask myself if I could be more open-minded. I think about my actions and the effects on those around me. I think about the effects on myself that aren't always so apparent. When it boils down to it, everything that happens to you, in part, is your own doing. I know there are outside forces at work and this person or that person had something to do with it, but YOU did too! You don't have to be too hard on yourself, which I've been told I do, but just be real. It's amazing the amount of growth you can accomplish with just being real with yourself and others. When you can see your place in matters, it can enable you to think about things clearly, and be a little more open-minded. It's a lot easier to tackle situations if you're already at terms about your part in it; that way, if someone brings up your stake, you won't feel as attacked because you already know your place in the matter. This really works for me because I know if someone tries to tell me the part I played in a situation, I go into defense mode and nothing gets solved. Honesty is the key! You can convince yourself anything. You can lie to yourself about something until the point that you believe it's the truth, then it's a wrap. Honesty helps a number of situations and people because they know what they're getting from you. Also, With honesty come security. Everyone has some insecurities, but I feel (and have seen) that honesty can help one come to terms with their insecurities, which in turn helps lessen them.

I don't know. Insecurities are something else. I mean, what a storm cloud they are. You can have everything "going for you" and still be so disappointed at whats going on in your life. Even the most talented folks have things they deal with. I know they're a part of life, but so is self-love and confidence. Acceptance. Peace. Reflection. All of that stuff. It's easy to be insecure about something about yourself if you don't love it. If your body type isn't "commercial" it doesn't mean your body isn't amazing. Just because you aren't the best at something doesn't mean you aren't someone's favorite performer. It's important to keep good people around you because they definitely help ease those stressors. It's also important to remember that you are good at whatever you're doing. Remember that you are beautiful enough, smart enough, athletic enough, artistic enough, competent enough, and whatever other things you may doubt.

I'm not the most confident person in the world but a little confidence goes a long way. Confidence is contagious. Honestly, if you are confident in yourself, what's to stop others from being confident in you too? A leader is confident that they can lead. They take that confidence and put it into action. They show people that they have the competence and ability to lead, and people follow- not necessarily as subordinates but rather as supporters. I love that. I love role players. Everyone isn't meant to lead and everyone isn't meant to follow. At the end of the day, confidence is key to so many things. Believe in yourself first so others can believe in you too. Just like you have to love yourself so others can love you. The same goes for respect, treatment, appreciation, and other key factors to a healthy quality of life and social life.

I'm just ranting I apologize. I just want to promote "self". I think it's time to be selfish a little bit. Lots of people over extend themselves for others while giving themselves the bare minimum-which can be dangerous. Please think about yourself. Think about how your situations will affect you in the long run. Love yourself. Treat yourself right. Your self-worth will encourage others to treat you accordingly.

I appreciate people reading my thoughts. I'm just trying to document what I'm going through that's surface level enough but still personal enough for it to be relatable.

Do you love you?

First Behavior!

My very first Blog! Ever.

I'm creating this blog because I often find myself writing journal entries getting my thoughts out about different events in my life. I used to keep them bottled up, but that time has passed. I am on a new path in life in hopes of finding the person I am meant to be. I'm hoping that the steps I'm currently taking now, while being open to additions in the near future, will help me achieve success. I am a novice blogger, but I hope I get better with time. This isn't something I envision doing every day, but from time to time I hope to become enamored with the idea of using this as my outlet.

A little bit about myself is that I'm a young professional from Chicago, Illinois. I am a recent college graduate with a passion for affecting the lives of others. This sounds like millions of people in Chicago, but that's the point of anonymity! What sparked this blog? A girl, of course. One of the most passionate, free-spirited persons I know. She awakened a side of me that I had no idea existed. Of course, this blog is following a break-up, but that isn't the focus. The focus is what I realized shortly after. I realized that my relationships, both intimate and family, struggled because of my actions. I don't mean I've been the sole cause of everything going wrong with every person in my life, but I can honestly say I've played a major role in the deterioration of some, potentially, great relationships. One thing, really quickly, is I hate the word "potential". To me, if someone says I have potential, they're just saying I'm falling short of their expectations and maybe one day, I'll reach them. Potential also can stem from some too-high expectations set forth, which can just lead to failure after failure. But, back to the subject. I had thought about my few intimate relationships, and family relationships and saw one common denominator: ME. This was a tough realization to come across, so let me give a little back story.

The girl before the one that made me realize my ways-I had been in a long-term relationship with this girl for almost four years. This girl was the sweetest person you would ever meet. She loved me, unconditionally, and I really had no idea why. I was so self-destructive it was horrible to watch. I treated her horribly, but when I treated her well, her love just grew. Don't get me wrong, I loved her, but no where near how much she loved me. She was completely in love with a person that didn't have her best intentions in mind. I played mind games left and right, was controlling, limiting, manipulative, and just an asshole; and I knew it. For some reason, I kept on doing things, mentally and emotionally, that would just hurt her time after time. It got to a point where I got bored with the relationship and ended it. She offered to give me another chance, but I just refused. Not to mention that I had broken up with her twice before, only to get back with her months after.

In between this girl and the one was a little relationship that still showed my troubled ways in a short time period. Control was an issue for this relationship as well, but from her end was a reluctance to open up about issue within the relationship; which I HATED.

Now, the one. This girl did it for me. She was extremely attractive, smart, artistic, passionate, funny, sweet, caring; you name it, she was it. Now, she did have a dark side to her. She was prideful, rude, disrespectful, selfish, self-centered, and just plain mean. The relationship was so hot and cold you didn't know what to expect. One day, we'd be totally in love. Having fun, listening to music and joking around. Then the next day, we'd be so rude and mean to each other where you would think we never had anything in common a day in our lives. This relationship was so unhealthy and borderline toxic, but we couldn't stay away from each other. It got to a consistently bad point where each holiday, in the time frame of a year, it would be a horrible day. I mean, argument, breaking up, resentment, yelling, just disgust to the other person. This was one of those relationships where on the outside everything looked great. But you know the bigger the smoke cloud, the bigger the trick. We loved one another, at least, I like to think so. I think it was the case of knowing how bad the bad days got made us love the good days even more.  I'm sure I'll speak in greater detail about the relationship at a later date but the point is, I wasn't the boyfriend I should have been. I lacked compassion, kindness, remorse, generosity, along with other key qualities for just a successful friendship. I treated this person that did love me like this, and I have no idea why.

Why is this a part of me? Why am I self destructive? Why is my relationship with my father dwindling? Why don't I have a relationship with my oldest sister? Why can't i forgive my oldest brother? Why do I not talk to my other, older brother? Why do I put down my other, older sister? Why do I treat my mother the way I do? Often being condescending and ungrateful? Why do I do this to the people that love me? These people never really did anything to deserve this treatment, so why do I think this is okay?

Well, why did I think it was okay? I have come to the point where I can see the problem is within. All of these people can't be doing the same thing to me, I may be doing the same things to them? Why can't I maintain healthy relationships? Something has to be done. Why does my pride ruin everything? Now, my ex-girlfriend can't be with me because she's tired of waiting. Plus, it doesn't help that I have issues with her personality that she can't seem to see as of yet. But I do know what I need to do, well, at least I know the first thing I need to do.

This is where the steps start. Today, I attended my first therapy session on my own. It was so tough for me to do because my pride was telling me to stay in the bed. It's tough for a prideful person to acknowledge that they're the cause of the ill-relationships, but to get up and seek help? I never thought I would do such a thing. I thought I could fix everything on my own;  I can't. The girl gave the bare-minimum support, and really didn't even see it as a good enough step in the right direction that deemed me worthy of being with her again. I think her focus was on a temporary, in the moment fix; as opposed to a long-term, systematic approach. At the end of the day, I did it for my growth, not her. I would love for her to support me and be there for me through this time, but life does go on, and so shall I.

I want to keep this blog as a journal for myself. I hope to find someone going through a reflective process of their own faults. The hard part is knowing what's wrong with you. Well, I wouldn't say what's "wrong", but what could be improved! There's nothing wrong with me, per say, but there are areas in dire need of growth. I'm glad I discovered this at the age of 22 rather than the age of 35, with no kids or marriages.

The first session went well. The therapist learned about my past and family history, relationship issues, and ultimately gave me a first actionable step! I didn't see this step coming, but I feel that me listening to myself hasn't been working, so I need to listen to someone else, a professional. He suggested that a possible root cause of my issues can be partially remedied by going to al-anon, which helps families and friends of persons that abuse alcohol and other substances cope with how it affects their lives; because the abuser isn't the only one that's affected. People who grow up in homes where there is substance abuse can cause some personality issues like the ones I am experiencing. I'll be going to a meeting next week to see how things go, because he strongly feels that I may gain some clarity by doing this. Of course, this isn't a quick fix. He says I should go to 6 meetings before I try to rule it out, but it's a start!

I really don't know how it'll go for me. Not many things make me nervous, but this is all uncharted territory for me, so I really am scared. I hope to gain some insight form others who have been in my shoes. I want to build and maintain long-lasting relationships, as well as love my family and friends that I currently have like I should. I may post before the meeting to write about other topics that have affected me because I love voicing my opinion. If you have insight, please let me know.

The Backseat Driver