Everybody Eats B

What.is.on.my.mind?

I've been going to my meetings-though not as consistently as I had been in the earlier part of the year. One thing I can say, however, is that I truly learn something about myself every time I am there. I learn about my past, present, and future all in one hour. It sounds extreme, I know, but it's completely possible. When I'm there, I'm able to think about what I do, how I live, and who I affect. It also enables me to understand why I react to certain things the way I do, which provides clarity with every meeting.

In learning about myself in these past 4 and a half months, I'm loving what my life is becoming. I'm seeing myself for the person I truly am. Granted, I won't change every bad thing, but I'm able to accept me because I know I won't be perfect. I'm able to appreciate things about myself that, before, I may have seen as flaws or weaknesses. I'm also appreciating others more and more with their place in my life. That can be anyone. It can be someone on the street asking me for money; reminding me of the position I am in to have spare change while they search for it. It can be the parent who tells me that they are proud of me and my achievements; reminding me that some people don't have a foundation through their efforts. It could be friends; reminding me that not everyone can enjoy those around them. It could be a girlfriend; reminding me that I'm not all that bad after all. That she knows what I've done and been through and chooses to accept me for who I've been, all the while encouraging me to be a better person through growth and learning. I'm very thankful.

We must be thankful. Things could always be worse. Things could always be better. The thing to remember is that things are how they are. That's not to say that things can't change in either direction,  but you could miss the lesson in the present. Live with what's going on, the rest will fall into place; guaranteed. That's not to say that it will fall how you envision, but things will work out how they're intended to. We have to trust life. Trust is important. Trust is living. We have no idea what's going to happen in five minutes, let alone in five years. Why stress? We are human, so worrying will happen. Worry shouldn't consume us. If anything, worrying should encourage you to make the most of your current situation because it could directly affect the future.

To switch a focus, I think we all need people. Yes, need. People were created not to stand alone, but to gather with one another. We have families we belong to. We live in societies with many different people. One's actions can directly affect another's. Nothing is truly done alone. It's vital to have people in your life. That doesn't mean we need 20 friends in order to feel safe, though that's completely fine if that's the type of person you are. I'm just trying to drive home that we need somebody. I have my people. I have family, some friends, and a girlfriend. Each party receives a different part of me. It's up to me to decide who receives what and some may receive more than others; but this is important to me. I appreciate those who are in my life because they have shaped me to be the person I am today, in one way or another. I would never have been the man I am without these people; which is why I keep them in my life. Everyone isn't meant to stick around forever, but for the ones that are here, you have to appreciate what they do for your life. Everyone won't hold the same weight and that's okay; it isn't a competition. You've got to be able to Trust, Talk, and Feel.

In a perfect world, we would be able to trust everyone, be able to share everything with everyone, and know each feeling inside and out in order to control ourselves and our reactions. I don't seek that perfection to have all three areas in control; I just strive to be sound in them. Trust for me is such a task. My skeptic ways delve well within my grasp internally, but I know it's there. Trusting isn't easy for me. I keep so few people so I can keep track of what trust is out there. I don't think we're meant to trust many people anyways, but I make sure to keep my numbers low. I should be more trusting of others without running the risk of being naïve; I just haven't found that balance. This could save me from many negative situations, but it could also/has hurt me in other situations as well. Talking is another thing I've never been the best at. Well, that is, talking about what really matters. I can talk about almost anything for however long it takes to get a point across. It's talking about what's inside of me that's the issue. The vulnerability that comes with it just hasn't been an easy task for me; as it isn't with many people. I've been doing my best to work on this and I've been satisfied with the results. However, the results don't encourage me to take the proverbial plunge just yet. I still dab here and there, but there's something within me keeping me from going too far. I think I even shield myself from seeing my true feelings, so that prevents conversations from coming at the source. Feeling-the biggest one. I like to think I'm in touch with my feelings. Though I'm aware, that doesn't mean I'm in touch with them. You can see/acknowledge anything, but to understand and approach a problem takes a whole new method that I just don't fully possess. I often resort to old habits of shielding myself for my "betterment" when I actually hinder both my growth and the other person who is trying to help me grow. Hopefully, I can get better with this. It's so easy to do what I'm used to, it's easy to lose sight of what needs to be done. This could make me an emotionally healthier individual, positively impacting those around me. I think I often fear the negative, which is entirely possible, but could be easily as possible as the positive. I'm just a half-empty kind of guy.

All in all, life is good. Everything's Good. Everybody's Eating. Thanks for reading.

Two Months In...

After two months, I can say my life is completely different than what it was when I started this blog.

NO WHERE NEAR.

I love where my life is right now. I know how I got here, but I didn't plan it; that's the best part. Life really does happen. I'm not suggesting that we sit back and wait for it to happen, I'm just saying you should live life and trust the process. Acknowledge progress. Welcome change. Learn from what happens. Be patient, but also be proactive- you can do both.

My professional aspirations slowly come into fruition as each day passes, having taken on a new position within the hospital. My interpersonal relationships are better as I reach out to people and maintain strong friendships. I have meaningful interactions with my friends. Not being in school posed as a problem at first, but then I realized that it would just take more effort. It would take reaching out, meeting up, and showing love! It's amazing the amount of love you receive back. I strongly suggest doing some reaching out. It's so easy to pull the whole, "I'm not gonna hit people up, see who hits me up first so I can see who my real friends are" thing. I mean, I guess? How much of a friend are you for doing that? The behavior you want them to exhibit is really the very behavior you should try. I don't see why not. I implore anyone reading this to reach out to those you "care about". Now, I'm not saying you should do it to everyone because everyone really doesn't deserve all of the effort. Some people really don't know what to do when that stuff happens. Some people don't know how to be friends! The thing we learn as children gets lost over the years after let downs, heartbreaks, and ever-changing personalities take the wheel. It takes work, but you can get back to that child-like love for people. It's extremely rewarding and enables others to revisit that same, somewhat familiar, feeling. Just a suggestion.

My more personal relationships are really at a point that I can't even believe. I recently went bowling with my brothers; something we've never done before. We had a really great time and it was all because we reached out to each other. One of us was consistent in his efforts to set something up. The others also gave suggestions and were open and receptive. It's something that's so simple that we often make harder for ourselves. One of my sisters' birthdays just passed and this phone call was significantly different than last year. Last year, because of little effort, the conversation was dry, dull, and forced. It seemed like it was only done because it felt like an obligation. This year was different. There was love in the conversation. An actual want for her to have a great birthday; and she did. If I had called with the same attitude as last year, I could have very well ruined at least one of the hours in her special day. My love life is at a place that it's never been before. I can not express enough the importance of friendship in a relationship. I'm at such a good place right now. The essentials are there. Strong friendship, mutual respect, understanding, trust, independence, humor, intellect, attraction, transparency; I could really go on. Time will tell where this will lead but I couldn't be more optimistic! I truly appreciate where I am in my life right now and things continue to get better- I didn't even think it was possible.

MUSIC. Music Music Music. I love music. If I could suggest any anecdote, let music help you grow. Music has been such an essential piece to my process. It provides an escape from whatever situation you're going through. It also enables you to reflect on what you're going through, especially if the artist went trough something similar. Music can provide something like an out-of-body experience. It really can take you to new heights if you allow it to.

I really appreciate everything that's happening to me right now. I'm grateful for the people in my life. I'm grateful for the life I have. Two months have gone by and 2015 really is better than 2014 for the most part. I'm eager to see what will happen in the months to come. Thanks for reading and I hope I've been able to help someone feel better about their current situation.

Am I As Strong As I Think I Am?

The journey is underway. This is tougher than I thought, but I am learning so much so quickly. I am becoming more and more confident with myself and those around me, my decisions and my outcomes. I am grateful to be making these life changes because they are helping me live my life as a better person to those around me. I have already seen changes in my life at work, with friends, and especially my family. Who would have thought that being caring and loving, genuinely, would yield such positive results? I didn't. I often battled with the idea of being "strong-minded". I really thought I was an overall strong person because I was the way that I was. I implore everyone to think about themselves in regards to their decisions, actions, and mindsets. Ask yourselves this: Am I Strong or Stubborn?

This line is sometimes clear, but often very blurry. Both of these characteristics  have to do with conviction, confidence, and self-understanding; along with other traits. I thought about this because I used to think I was such a strong person. I'm not saying that I'm just weak or anything, but I'm not as strong as I thought I was. With the way I used to treat people, I thought I was exhibiting strength that a man should. I used to pride myself on not regretting anything, never going back on my word, never even crying! I thought that a man, let alone a person, shouldn't exhibit these things. There were times where I would talk with such disgust to people, for a reason I convinced myself that they deserved it, but in actuality they didn't. When it comes to people, especially women, they should never be talked down to. I used to pride myself on doing this. I took the whole "a women's place" mentality too far. I thought I was such a man playing mind games, being condescending, diverting attention away from my own issues and involvement; there was something wrong with me.


One thing I am learning, however, is that it takes a strong person to humble themselves.

I'd learned all of my life that Jesus was this humble being and this, in turn, made him a model to follow. I understood it in the realm of Catholicism, but not real life. I found a way, internally, to separate the two. It wasn't until recently that I realized how prideful I was. I also discovered how humble women actually are. It was completely eye-opening! I mean, they have the confidence to carry themselves like a woman should, yet they can humble themselves to follow a man's lead, while still holding things together. They sometimes admit their faults, admit their shortcomings, and even forgive people who are often undeserving. I absolutely love women. I can't live without them. I was raised around women and saw this trait in them, but for some reason, I didn't grasp that women should be treated with the same respect that they gave out. A man should humble himself, when necessary, for his woman, sister, mother, etc... This was an area where I was lacking. My stubborn ways got in the way of my potential strength. The least I could do is humble myself to let things go, or not complain, or even show more affection. The true measure of a man is how he treats the women in his life. It all starts with a woman.

If I can offer advice to the men reading: HUMBLE yourselves. Men, it's easy to get caught up in the "image" of being a man, instead of being the man your women need. Be strong. I don't mean work-out every day. I mean Emotionally strong. Mentally strong. Spiritually strong. This strength is something that will positively impact everything around you. If I can offer something else: Be mindful of who you share your gifts with. It's up to you to be a good judge of character to see how you are received. Some people aren't ready for the strength that we have to offer; it's up to you to keep your eyes open.

I'm working on my strength right now with the women in my life. My mother, my sisters, my grandmother, and my female friends. I have to be strong in practice in order for it to become a part of me. So far, it is being received well.

The Backseat Driver

Accept Love

This post is coming after lots of conversations, thoughts, and dreams. I'm trying to understand why I've done the things I've done, in regards to how I treat people, and I'm learning so much. I've got so much growing to do and I'm just getting started. One thing that is constantly weighing on my mind is love. This isn't just intimate love with another person, this is self-love, brotherly love, and just love in general. I'm learning that I have to give more love to those around me. I have to make the people who are important to me feel loved. Above all, I have to make sure I love myself. It sounds so cliche, but it's true. You treat others better once you treat yourself better. If I respect my thoughts, actions, and choices, I can accept others.

Accepting myself for who I am allows me to accept others. This is a simple concept that often gets overlooked because of its sheer simplicity. I'm learning things about myself that my pride kept me from seeing. I'm learning that every situation I've been in has two sides to it, however I have been quick to only look to the side I had no control over. Here's the thing, my problem was trying to control everything else when I wasn't entitled to do so, instead of controlling my own actions. I used excuse after excuse to defend my actions instead of acknowledging my flaws and moving forward from them.

This is something I am working to get a hold on. Life is going to happen. People are going to do whatever they want, and I had a hard time accepting that. If someone is going to lie, they'll do it. If someone is going to cheat, same thing. One thing I did learn, however, is people will do better if the person is worth it. It's like the "player" finding that one girl that makes him realize that sleeping around isn't worth anything. Like the one girl that was so used to attention from guys but then realizes that those guys don't matter; what matters is the one right in front of her. When someone finds the person that accepts them at their low, it enables them to want to be better for that person. It makes complete sense! You accept my flaws that I know are there. Why wouldn't I want to work on the flaws for the one person that already accepts me, so I can be better for them? They made me feel that nothing's wrong with me, but I inherently want to strive to be better for that person. Acceptance is the key to growth. If we care for someone, we need to accept them for who they are; not try to change them to who we want them to be.

The downside to changing someone is the "quick-fix effect". When this happens, the change is made right then and there. It seems to work for a period of time, but if the change isn't inherently wanted, it'll be rejected. What may follow is resentment, anger, distrust, and feeling controlled. Someone won't feel controlled if they want to make the change for themselves, but they will feel controlled if they just did it to satisfy the other party. This quick-fix does not help anyone in the long run. If a person is to change, then they have to believe the change is something they will want for themselves first, then for someone else. That is how a positive change can be made, which allows for all parties to benefit and the acts to be genuine.

All in all, Acceptance is one of the many keys to growth. Accepting myself for who I am, currently, will allow me to grow to be an even better person. The thing about acceptance is that you aren't a bad person for the way you are. There's nothing necessarily wrong with you. However, there are areas of growth that may need tending to, and it's up to you to put in the effort. Accept yourself, accept others. No one is anywhere near perfect, by "society's" standards. But, you can be the perfect you; if that makes sense.

Until Next Time,

The Backseat Driver

First Behavior!

My very first Blog! Ever.

I'm creating this blog because I often find myself writing journal entries getting my thoughts out about different events in my life. I used to keep them bottled up, but that time has passed. I am on a new path in life in hopes of finding the person I am meant to be. I'm hoping that the steps I'm currently taking now, while being open to additions in the near future, will help me achieve success. I am a novice blogger, but I hope I get better with time. This isn't something I envision doing every day, but from time to time I hope to become enamored with the idea of using this as my outlet.

A little bit about myself is that I'm a young professional from Chicago, Illinois. I am a recent college graduate with a passion for affecting the lives of others. This sounds like millions of people in Chicago, but that's the point of anonymity! What sparked this blog? A girl, of course. One of the most passionate, free-spirited persons I know. She awakened a side of me that I had no idea existed. Of course, this blog is following a break-up, but that isn't the focus. The focus is what I realized shortly after. I realized that my relationships, both intimate and family, struggled because of my actions. I don't mean I've been the sole cause of everything going wrong with every person in my life, but I can honestly say I've played a major role in the deterioration of some, potentially, great relationships. One thing, really quickly, is I hate the word "potential". To me, if someone says I have potential, they're just saying I'm falling short of their expectations and maybe one day, I'll reach them. Potential also can stem from some too-high expectations set forth, which can just lead to failure after failure. But, back to the subject. I had thought about my few intimate relationships, and family relationships and saw one common denominator: ME. This was a tough realization to come across, so let me give a little back story.

The girl before the one that made me realize my ways-I had been in a long-term relationship with this girl for almost four years. This girl was the sweetest person you would ever meet. She loved me, unconditionally, and I really had no idea why. I was so self-destructive it was horrible to watch. I treated her horribly, but when I treated her well, her love just grew. Don't get me wrong, I loved her, but no where near how much she loved me. She was completely in love with a person that didn't have her best intentions in mind. I played mind games left and right, was controlling, limiting, manipulative, and just an asshole; and I knew it. For some reason, I kept on doing things, mentally and emotionally, that would just hurt her time after time. It got to a point where I got bored with the relationship and ended it. She offered to give me another chance, but I just refused. Not to mention that I had broken up with her twice before, only to get back with her months after.

In between this girl and the one was a little relationship that still showed my troubled ways in a short time period. Control was an issue for this relationship as well, but from her end was a reluctance to open up about issue within the relationship; which I HATED.

Now, the one. This girl did it for me. She was extremely attractive, smart, artistic, passionate, funny, sweet, caring; you name it, she was it. Now, she did have a dark side to her. She was prideful, rude, disrespectful, selfish, self-centered, and just plain mean. The relationship was so hot and cold you didn't know what to expect. One day, we'd be totally in love. Having fun, listening to music and joking around. Then the next day, we'd be so rude and mean to each other where you would think we never had anything in common a day in our lives. This relationship was so unhealthy and borderline toxic, but we couldn't stay away from each other. It got to a consistently bad point where each holiday, in the time frame of a year, it would be a horrible day. I mean, argument, breaking up, resentment, yelling, just disgust to the other person. This was one of those relationships where on the outside everything looked great. But you know the bigger the smoke cloud, the bigger the trick. We loved one another, at least, I like to think so. I think it was the case of knowing how bad the bad days got made us love the good days even more.  I'm sure I'll speak in greater detail about the relationship at a later date but the point is, I wasn't the boyfriend I should have been. I lacked compassion, kindness, remorse, generosity, along with other key qualities for just a successful friendship. I treated this person that did love me like this, and I have no idea why.

Why is this a part of me? Why am I self destructive? Why is my relationship with my father dwindling? Why don't I have a relationship with my oldest sister? Why can't i forgive my oldest brother? Why do I not talk to my other, older brother? Why do I put down my other, older sister? Why do I treat my mother the way I do? Often being condescending and ungrateful? Why do I do this to the people that love me? These people never really did anything to deserve this treatment, so why do I think this is okay?

Well, why did I think it was okay? I have come to the point where I can see the problem is within. All of these people can't be doing the same thing to me, I may be doing the same things to them? Why can't I maintain healthy relationships? Something has to be done. Why does my pride ruin everything? Now, my ex-girlfriend can't be with me because she's tired of waiting. Plus, it doesn't help that I have issues with her personality that she can't seem to see as of yet. But I do know what I need to do, well, at least I know the first thing I need to do.

This is where the steps start. Today, I attended my first therapy session on my own. It was so tough for me to do because my pride was telling me to stay in the bed. It's tough for a prideful person to acknowledge that they're the cause of the ill-relationships, but to get up and seek help? I never thought I would do such a thing. I thought I could fix everything on my own;  I can't. The girl gave the bare-minimum support, and really didn't even see it as a good enough step in the right direction that deemed me worthy of being with her again. I think her focus was on a temporary, in the moment fix; as opposed to a long-term, systematic approach. At the end of the day, I did it for my growth, not her. I would love for her to support me and be there for me through this time, but life does go on, and so shall I.

I want to keep this blog as a journal for myself. I hope to find someone going through a reflective process of their own faults. The hard part is knowing what's wrong with you. Well, I wouldn't say what's "wrong", but what could be improved! There's nothing wrong with me, per say, but there are areas in dire need of growth. I'm glad I discovered this at the age of 22 rather than the age of 35, with no kids or marriages.

The first session went well. The therapist learned about my past and family history, relationship issues, and ultimately gave me a first actionable step! I didn't see this step coming, but I feel that me listening to myself hasn't been working, so I need to listen to someone else, a professional. He suggested that a possible root cause of my issues can be partially remedied by going to al-anon, which helps families and friends of persons that abuse alcohol and other substances cope with how it affects their lives; because the abuser isn't the only one that's affected. People who grow up in homes where there is substance abuse can cause some personality issues like the ones I am experiencing. I'll be going to a meeting next week to see how things go, because he strongly feels that I may gain some clarity by doing this. Of course, this isn't a quick fix. He says I should go to 6 meetings before I try to rule it out, but it's a start!

I really don't know how it'll go for me. Not many things make me nervous, but this is all uncharted territory for me, so I really am scared. I hope to gain some insight form others who have been in my shoes. I want to build and maintain long-lasting relationships, as well as love my family and friends that I currently have like I should. I may post before the meeting to write about other topics that have affected me because I love voicing my opinion. If you have insight, please let me know.

The Backseat Driver