Don't You, Ever, Get Too, Comfortable

I have no idea what this post should be about. My life is going well for the most part. This is the most optimistic I've been in I don't know how long; it feels great. Things are working out in ways I would have never imagined. It's amazing what a few basic changes can do to one's outlook and what happens to them. I mean, this month isn't even over and I need two hands to count the great things that have happened that will change my life forever! I am so thankful that I came to certain realizations about myself. One of those realizations being how I treat others. I don't mean the difference between being nice or mean to strangers, or acquaintances, or anything like that. I mean how you actually treat the people you claim you care about. You can try to act like you treat people well because you treat them better than those you don't know, but do you treat them better or worse than you used to?

I ask because reflection is so instrumental to growth. It's like in a relationship. You pulled out all the stops in the beginning stages. You communicated well, expressed exactly how you felt about that person, and put in a great deal of effort to "win" that person over. I mean, you wanted that person so you showed them that you actually wanted them! There's nothing wrong with that. The sense of proving your worthiness early on is really essential to show the person how serious you are. The same thought can be used for friendships. They are a little different, of course, because the growth of a friendship does occur in more relaxed terms. However, I think they happen to meet at the end point of getting comfortable. This is a tough thing to notice, internally. It's so easy to get comfortable and sometimes it's a good thing. It's like, at first, you watched what you said. You really made sure that the other person was the focus and you were cautious of their feelings and wants. You really were trying to prove that you were worthy of their time, energy, and attention. Over time, however, it's easy to get really comfortable. One may come to an internal realization that they proved themselves because they got what they sought out for; which is unfair to the other person. When this "realization" occurs, effort does become less consistent. It's often easier to let things just go, let the other person suffer a bit, or just be apathetic to things you once held as a priority.

Granted, over time you end up letting your guard down. It's easy to do so because you may feel that the other person just accepts you for who you are and you probably are right. But, there's a trick! Don't get too comfortable. Like, really. Don't. This is self-sabotage. I strongly implore you to remember the effort put forth early on. If you think about it, the one that the other person fell for didn't give minimal effort. That person wasn't so apathetic to their concerns. They fell for the one who was thoughtful, empathetic, zealous, enjoyable, and whatever other characteristics made them look forward to being in your presence. I know I've had this problem before. Granted, I can say that I, sometimes, was able to see when I got too comfortable with a situation and just wasn't the person I was in the beginning. I'm not saying you can't change or grow, I'm just saying, don't act as if that person is just in your life permanently. Don't think that they forgot how amazing you were in the beginning. We have to remain consistent! You keep a relationship that you put forth consistent effort. You keep a friend by maintaining the friendship. You keep a job not by doing worse than you did when you got hired, but better! You have to grow in whatever situation you're in. The end-goal is to be better than you were when you started. Give them a reason to keep you around, just as they should give you reasons. Think about it. Would you want to stay with a person you just feel is going downhill in terms of how they treat the relationship? Would you stay friends with someone who is acting less and less of a friend as time goes on? That's just unhealthy. There's no need to hold on to things like that-in my opinion. Some relationships work that way and shout out to them. But in my eyes, I think things should be on the up and up. Of course there are downs, but the greatest examples of growth come from some of the lowest points!

I can say that my friendships, and familial relationships, have improved soo much just by my effort going in the right direction! I've reached out to people, complimented people, or just listened to them. I was honest with people because I feel that's what they deserve. I got out-and-about to actually see them. I can see how much they appreciate it and these relationships I thought were dwindling, or even non-existent, have been revived. It's the best feeling in the world having people you care about return the favor. The same goes for family. That bond is unbreakable. That's a bond that should be embraced to the fullest. It isn't something to just look over because "they'll always be there".

That's it! This sense that a person will always be there is such a send off. You have family members that don't talk at all. You have once-best friends now worst enemies. No one is permanent. However, this idea that a person will always be there is a common thought in those getting comfortable. Just because someone is in love with you, doesn't give you the green light to lose steam and not give the necessary effort. Just like they fell in love, they can keep falling through the bottom right out. Yes that' your parent, but it doesn't mean they'll always be a parent to you if you treat them any less than what they deserve. We have to stop getting comfortable because that is self-sabotage. The only thing the other person did is positively respond to our positive efforts. You shouldn't repay a person's love with minimal effort.

I'm thankful for the people I have in my life and I really have been trying my best to show them the love and effort they deserve. They deserve my best because they love me and keep me in their lives. And sometimes I have to be okay with making the first large effort. It's okay to make the first step.

Thanks for reading

Humble, Young Man, Humble

It's crazy. This journey of mine happened to fall in line with the new year starting, which makes this look like a New Year's Resolution. This would be my first resolution set and I've been able to keep at it so far; granted it's only been a couple of weeks. What I can say from starting this blog & journey of mine is that I've put forth much effort to humble myself. When I say humble, I don't mean becoming a pushover or a "yes-man", but just being a better person. The results from this change are astounding. I mean, I've reached out to some good people and they've reached back. I've hung out with friends, had people over for New Year's, had meaningful conversations that came effortlessly; I love this.

Pride was my problem; well, one of them. I was too proud for too many things. I didn't want to lose an argument, give in, speak first, get criticized, learn from someone else, listen to learn (instead I just listened to react), and many other things. What was I doing? I was ruining my situations. Instead of fixing a problem right there in the moment, it lasted hours. Instead of salvaging an afternoon out, I incited more anger. This unhealthy practice is the reason my relationships just did not go well for me. I'm very fortunate to have had good, quality people placed in my life. It's like God was doing me favor after favor, sending me great, loving people that loved me more than anything. And by people, I mean friends, family, girlfriends, even teachers. As I look back, I've been so blessed. As I look closer, I see how I squandered some of those blessings.

The worst thing to do is to get in your own way. It's like I was the king of this. With some family members, I would literally find reasons not to reach out to them. It could be something they did to someone else, that has little to nothing to do with me; but it worked in my mind. I find my justification and I run all the way to the bank with it. I saw it was a problem when I was able to start saying that I had gone years without seeing some family members. The same thing with some friends. Now, I know that everyone won't be my best friend, but every person has a purpose in our lives. I was brushing off people right and left for no reason at all. Granted, everyone isn't meant to stick around, but I made my circle so small because my "pride" told me I didn't need them. My "pride" told me that they were friends with this person and I don't really mess with this person so I'll just cut them all off. What? It doesn't even make sense. I took grammar school thought processes to adulthood and it did nothing positive for me.

My intimate relationships got hit the hardest. I had girls who showed me so much love and appreciation. I can't even do it justice by attempting to explain how much they felt for me. I'm not saying it wasn't mutual, but my pride even got in the way of that! There would be times where I would turn off, emotionally, because my pride made me think that apologizing was a sign of weakness. I would do something wrong, find a way to make the cause of the issue be to the fault of the girlfriend, and then place blame and show apathy to the situation. This manipulative process was my safe zone. I know there lies a deeper issue and that's what my journey is about. Why do I cause pain, then place blame on the one that received the initial pain? It's like, I'm punishing you for being the one in pain. That wasn't right. I know that now. You don't do things like that to people you love. That isn't love. That isn't compassion. That isn't friendship on any level. When it comes to times like these, I need to take a step back and look at the situation. Am I the one in the wrong? Why does she feel like this? What part did I play in this? Has this happened before? How would I feel if this were done to me? In situations like this, exercising love breeds more love. Show compassion which leads to empathy which leads to care which leads to actions which leads right back to love. LOVE is the best thing out I promise! Love can mend the toughest of situations. Love can strengthen even the most fragile foundations. My pride was hurting the love I gave, which ended up hurting the love I received.

Humility speaks louder than Pride. Pride is just a large distraction, but it's really easy to drown out by even the smallest example of humility. This is what I want to be known for. This is how I want to be loved. This is how I want to love. This is how I WILL love. This is how I need to love. I need to give without expecting anything in return. This is listening without even looking like I'm judging. This is responding rather than reacting. As a man, it's easy to get caught up in pride. Men are supposed to do this and do that and take care of it all. Men are supposed to drive to the store when it's cold outside. Men are supposed to get out the car to go in to get the food. Men are supposed to be the shoulder to cry on. Men are supposed to carry the world on his shoulders and the groceries in his hand. There are many factors, both cultural and systematic, that enable this idea of being a "man" from childhood. I'm not saying men aren't supposed to be men, I'm just saying that pride comes from more than one source. I suppose I'm learning that it also takes a man to know how to take his responsibilities and expectations and find a balance for them. A man should be able to keep himself in check and not take all of these external factors for granted. It's amazing how much faith are put into men. It's up to a man to take the responsibilities with humility as Jesus did. I don't want to get religious or anything, but that's just the model I look to when I think of compassion and humility.

I really am thankful for the people in my life right now. Those who have left are gone for a reason, and those to come will arrive when necessary. I'll be patient.

Thanks for reading! I really appreciate it.

Am I As Strong As I Think I Am?

The journey is underway. This is tougher than I thought, but I am learning so much so quickly. I am becoming more and more confident with myself and those around me, my decisions and my outcomes. I am grateful to be making these life changes because they are helping me live my life as a better person to those around me. I have already seen changes in my life at work, with friends, and especially my family. Who would have thought that being caring and loving, genuinely, would yield such positive results? I didn't. I often battled with the idea of being "strong-minded". I really thought I was an overall strong person because I was the way that I was. I implore everyone to think about themselves in regards to their decisions, actions, and mindsets. Ask yourselves this: Am I Strong or Stubborn?

This line is sometimes clear, but often very blurry. Both of these characteristics  have to do with conviction, confidence, and self-understanding; along with other traits. I thought about this because I used to think I was such a strong person. I'm not saying that I'm just weak or anything, but I'm not as strong as I thought I was. With the way I used to treat people, I thought I was exhibiting strength that a man should. I used to pride myself on not regretting anything, never going back on my word, never even crying! I thought that a man, let alone a person, shouldn't exhibit these things. There were times where I would talk with such disgust to people, for a reason I convinced myself that they deserved it, but in actuality they didn't. When it comes to people, especially women, they should never be talked down to. I used to pride myself on doing this. I took the whole "a women's place" mentality too far. I thought I was such a man playing mind games, being condescending, diverting attention away from my own issues and involvement; there was something wrong with me.


One thing I am learning, however, is that it takes a strong person to humble themselves.

I'd learned all of my life that Jesus was this humble being and this, in turn, made him a model to follow. I understood it in the realm of Catholicism, but not real life. I found a way, internally, to separate the two. It wasn't until recently that I realized how prideful I was. I also discovered how humble women actually are. It was completely eye-opening! I mean, they have the confidence to carry themselves like a woman should, yet they can humble themselves to follow a man's lead, while still holding things together. They sometimes admit their faults, admit their shortcomings, and even forgive people who are often undeserving. I absolutely love women. I can't live without them. I was raised around women and saw this trait in them, but for some reason, I didn't grasp that women should be treated with the same respect that they gave out. A man should humble himself, when necessary, for his woman, sister, mother, etc... This was an area where I was lacking. My stubborn ways got in the way of my potential strength. The least I could do is humble myself to let things go, or not complain, or even show more affection. The true measure of a man is how he treats the women in his life. It all starts with a woman.

If I can offer advice to the men reading: HUMBLE yourselves. Men, it's easy to get caught up in the "image" of being a man, instead of being the man your women need. Be strong. I don't mean work-out every day. I mean Emotionally strong. Mentally strong. Spiritually strong. This strength is something that will positively impact everything around you. If I can offer something else: Be mindful of who you share your gifts with. It's up to you to be a good judge of character to see how you are received. Some people aren't ready for the strength that we have to offer; it's up to you to keep your eyes open.

I'm working on my strength right now with the women in my life. My mother, my sisters, my grandmother, and my female friends. I have to be strong in practice in order for it to become a part of me. So far, it is being received well.

The Backseat Driver

Accept Love

This post is coming after lots of conversations, thoughts, and dreams. I'm trying to understand why I've done the things I've done, in regards to how I treat people, and I'm learning so much. I've got so much growing to do and I'm just getting started. One thing that is constantly weighing on my mind is love. This isn't just intimate love with another person, this is self-love, brotherly love, and just love in general. I'm learning that I have to give more love to those around me. I have to make the people who are important to me feel loved. Above all, I have to make sure I love myself. It sounds so cliche, but it's true. You treat others better once you treat yourself better. If I respect my thoughts, actions, and choices, I can accept others.

Accepting myself for who I am allows me to accept others. This is a simple concept that often gets overlooked because of its sheer simplicity. I'm learning things about myself that my pride kept me from seeing. I'm learning that every situation I've been in has two sides to it, however I have been quick to only look to the side I had no control over. Here's the thing, my problem was trying to control everything else when I wasn't entitled to do so, instead of controlling my own actions. I used excuse after excuse to defend my actions instead of acknowledging my flaws and moving forward from them.

This is something I am working to get a hold on. Life is going to happen. People are going to do whatever they want, and I had a hard time accepting that. If someone is going to lie, they'll do it. If someone is going to cheat, same thing. One thing I did learn, however, is people will do better if the person is worth it. It's like the "player" finding that one girl that makes him realize that sleeping around isn't worth anything. Like the one girl that was so used to attention from guys but then realizes that those guys don't matter; what matters is the one right in front of her. When someone finds the person that accepts them at their low, it enables them to want to be better for that person. It makes complete sense! You accept my flaws that I know are there. Why wouldn't I want to work on the flaws for the one person that already accepts me, so I can be better for them? They made me feel that nothing's wrong with me, but I inherently want to strive to be better for that person. Acceptance is the key to growth. If we care for someone, we need to accept them for who they are; not try to change them to who we want them to be.

The downside to changing someone is the "quick-fix effect". When this happens, the change is made right then and there. It seems to work for a period of time, but if the change isn't inherently wanted, it'll be rejected. What may follow is resentment, anger, distrust, and feeling controlled. Someone won't feel controlled if they want to make the change for themselves, but they will feel controlled if they just did it to satisfy the other party. This quick-fix does not help anyone in the long run. If a person is to change, then they have to believe the change is something they will want for themselves first, then for someone else. That is how a positive change can be made, which allows for all parties to benefit and the acts to be genuine.

All in all, Acceptance is one of the many keys to growth. Accepting myself for who I am, currently, will allow me to grow to be an even better person. The thing about acceptance is that you aren't a bad person for the way you are. There's nothing necessarily wrong with you. However, there are areas of growth that may need tending to, and it's up to you to put in the effort. Accept yourself, accept others. No one is anywhere near perfect, by "society's" standards. But, you can be the perfect you; if that makes sense.

Until Next Time,

The Backseat Driver

First Behavior!

My very first Blog! Ever.

I'm creating this blog because I often find myself writing journal entries getting my thoughts out about different events in my life. I used to keep them bottled up, but that time has passed. I am on a new path in life in hopes of finding the person I am meant to be. I'm hoping that the steps I'm currently taking now, while being open to additions in the near future, will help me achieve success. I am a novice blogger, but I hope I get better with time. This isn't something I envision doing every day, but from time to time I hope to become enamored with the idea of using this as my outlet.

A little bit about myself is that I'm a young professional from Chicago, Illinois. I am a recent college graduate with a passion for affecting the lives of others. This sounds like millions of people in Chicago, but that's the point of anonymity! What sparked this blog? A girl, of course. One of the most passionate, free-spirited persons I know. She awakened a side of me that I had no idea existed. Of course, this blog is following a break-up, but that isn't the focus. The focus is what I realized shortly after. I realized that my relationships, both intimate and family, struggled because of my actions. I don't mean I've been the sole cause of everything going wrong with every person in my life, but I can honestly say I've played a major role in the deterioration of some, potentially, great relationships. One thing, really quickly, is I hate the word "potential". To me, if someone says I have potential, they're just saying I'm falling short of their expectations and maybe one day, I'll reach them. Potential also can stem from some too-high expectations set forth, which can just lead to failure after failure. But, back to the subject. I had thought about my few intimate relationships, and family relationships and saw one common denominator: ME. This was a tough realization to come across, so let me give a little back story.

The girl before the one that made me realize my ways-I had been in a long-term relationship with this girl for almost four years. This girl was the sweetest person you would ever meet. She loved me, unconditionally, and I really had no idea why. I was so self-destructive it was horrible to watch. I treated her horribly, but when I treated her well, her love just grew. Don't get me wrong, I loved her, but no where near how much she loved me. She was completely in love with a person that didn't have her best intentions in mind. I played mind games left and right, was controlling, limiting, manipulative, and just an asshole; and I knew it. For some reason, I kept on doing things, mentally and emotionally, that would just hurt her time after time. It got to a point where I got bored with the relationship and ended it. She offered to give me another chance, but I just refused. Not to mention that I had broken up with her twice before, only to get back with her months after.

In between this girl and the one was a little relationship that still showed my troubled ways in a short time period. Control was an issue for this relationship as well, but from her end was a reluctance to open up about issue within the relationship; which I HATED.

Now, the one. This girl did it for me. She was extremely attractive, smart, artistic, passionate, funny, sweet, caring; you name it, she was it. Now, she did have a dark side to her. She was prideful, rude, disrespectful, selfish, self-centered, and just plain mean. The relationship was so hot and cold you didn't know what to expect. One day, we'd be totally in love. Having fun, listening to music and joking around. Then the next day, we'd be so rude and mean to each other where you would think we never had anything in common a day in our lives. This relationship was so unhealthy and borderline toxic, but we couldn't stay away from each other. It got to a consistently bad point where each holiday, in the time frame of a year, it would be a horrible day. I mean, argument, breaking up, resentment, yelling, just disgust to the other person. This was one of those relationships where on the outside everything looked great. But you know the bigger the smoke cloud, the bigger the trick. We loved one another, at least, I like to think so. I think it was the case of knowing how bad the bad days got made us love the good days even more.  I'm sure I'll speak in greater detail about the relationship at a later date but the point is, I wasn't the boyfriend I should have been. I lacked compassion, kindness, remorse, generosity, along with other key qualities for just a successful friendship. I treated this person that did love me like this, and I have no idea why.

Why is this a part of me? Why am I self destructive? Why is my relationship with my father dwindling? Why don't I have a relationship with my oldest sister? Why can't i forgive my oldest brother? Why do I not talk to my other, older brother? Why do I put down my other, older sister? Why do I treat my mother the way I do? Often being condescending and ungrateful? Why do I do this to the people that love me? These people never really did anything to deserve this treatment, so why do I think this is okay?

Well, why did I think it was okay? I have come to the point where I can see the problem is within. All of these people can't be doing the same thing to me, I may be doing the same things to them? Why can't I maintain healthy relationships? Something has to be done. Why does my pride ruin everything? Now, my ex-girlfriend can't be with me because she's tired of waiting. Plus, it doesn't help that I have issues with her personality that she can't seem to see as of yet. But I do know what I need to do, well, at least I know the first thing I need to do.

This is where the steps start. Today, I attended my first therapy session on my own. It was so tough for me to do because my pride was telling me to stay in the bed. It's tough for a prideful person to acknowledge that they're the cause of the ill-relationships, but to get up and seek help? I never thought I would do such a thing. I thought I could fix everything on my own;  I can't. The girl gave the bare-minimum support, and really didn't even see it as a good enough step in the right direction that deemed me worthy of being with her again. I think her focus was on a temporary, in the moment fix; as opposed to a long-term, systematic approach. At the end of the day, I did it for my growth, not her. I would love for her to support me and be there for me through this time, but life does go on, and so shall I.

I want to keep this blog as a journal for myself. I hope to find someone going through a reflective process of their own faults. The hard part is knowing what's wrong with you. Well, I wouldn't say what's "wrong", but what could be improved! There's nothing wrong with me, per say, but there are areas in dire need of growth. I'm glad I discovered this at the age of 22 rather than the age of 35, with no kids or marriages.

The first session went well. The therapist learned about my past and family history, relationship issues, and ultimately gave me a first actionable step! I didn't see this step coming, but I feel that me listening to myself hasn't been working, so I need to listen to someone else, a professional. He suggested that a possible root cause of my issues can be partially remedied by going to al-anon, which helps families and friends of persons that abuse alcohol and other substances cope with how it affects their lives; because the abuser isn't the only one that's affected. People who grow up in homes where there is substance abuse can cause some personality issues like the ones I am experiencing. I'll be going to a meeting next week to see how things go, because he strongly feels that I may gain some clarity by doing this. Of course, this isn't a quick fix. He says I should go to 6 meetings before I try to rule it out, but it's a start!

I really don't know how it'll go for me. Not many things make me nervous, but this is all uncharted territory for me, so I really am scared. I hope to gain some insight form others who have been in my shoes. I want to build and maintain long-lasting relationships, as well as love my family and friends that I currently have like I should. I may post before the meeting to write about other topics that have affected me because I love voicing my opinion. If you have insight, please let me know.

The Backseat Driver